Dear Resume,

Lick my balls…. I'm sorry, that was crude…. scratch that, I meant it, lick my balls! One page to sum up my life? I'm not a fucking golem living in cave. Besides, how the fuck am I supposed to define myself on a piece of paper, there are a lot of douche bags who look cool on paper.

Please oh please let me be that douche. I'm working on it, really I am. I fucked your mom and she liked it; I'm going to take her out to a nice fish dinner and never call her again. I can sign you up for porn, I know your e-mail so don't sweat it, you don't even have to give me your credit card, I swiped your wallet while you were in the bathroom…but I digress.

Resume, all I really want to know is why you are so deceiving. You look so easy, like the hooker at the end of my street. But every time I wanna go get my rocks knocked I realize you could be a cop waiting to fuck me over. So resume, ho ho ho, don't fuck me, and help me get my jollies.

Merry Christmas,
Lost to Religion