Dear College Frat Kid (Namely Those Who Attend The Major University On 21st Avenue In Downtown Nashville),

Where do I begin? Is it true that you were all made in a factory somewhere, given to families with lots of money, and trained your entire life to wear polos with your cool guy collars popped? Not to mention that delicious hair cut you've had since you were probably five years old. Man, if I had one wish in life, I would be reincarnated into the coolest frat kid ever. I could drink my education away and still get a nice paying job because my name is Samuel P. Winshire. I could tell everybody how important I am and make those cool comments like, "Don't you know who my dad is?" And your skills with the ladies, could you be anymore smooth? A bud light and a jager bomb is the beginning to all wonderful fairy tale weddings that every girl dreams about. I love how you look for the drunkest girl in the bar so you can take here home to shoot off that little red rocket and then have all of your brothers affirm you as a man because you really showed that girl who's boss.

Well, Mr. Frat Kid, I need some help on my lack of coolness. Maybe someday you could teach me how to get some liquid confidence (usually in the form of a vodka red bull, a.k.a. VRB), and push my friends in the middle of the bar like it was a locker room to make myself look like a tough guy. And then we could get in a fight together. It would be all the frat brothers against two very weak looking nerds that happen to have more game with that bar slut you were just trying to make out with. And somehow you still feel threatened by their pussy cat reluctance to fight. Of course you couldn't just start punching because that would totally take away from the hour long scream fest to prove who is more hard.

One more thing, how did you learn to be such an asshole to bartenders? Would that really up my street cred if I complained about not having enough whiskey in my shot of Jack Daniels? Furthermore, does it really get you quicker service because you're one of those guys that doesn't take shit from people? I wish I knew what it was like to go out with my friends and get evil looks of pure, demonic hatred from the bar staff. I wanna make all the bars hate me. When that's done, I'll find the one that hates me the most and make it my weekend party bar. Sounds like a damn good plan to me.

In closing, I am so thankful that you, College Frat Kid, are the future of America. Doctors, lawyers, politicians, business executives, and all other important careers this fine country has to offer will be in the hands of model stewards. Thank you for your contribution to the betterment of mankind. You certainly give me hope for a brighter tomorrow.

Desperately wanting to be accepted for the shitty person that I am,
College Freshman