Dear Designer Handbag Arriving By Courier Tomorrow,
Oh em gee! I am so excited to meet you!
When Likely Future Husband Whom I Knew In HS (Yay Facebook!) told me he was sending you to me as a present, I scanned the website of the luxury fashion house where he works and wondered breathlessly which one you'd be. So many pretties, I don't mind telling you, I drooled a bit. I joked to LFHWIKIHS (YFB!) that he should send a plane ticket with you so my breasts and I could thank him in person... and that's when he broke the thrilling news that not only were you not on the website because you are a one-of-a-kind sample that was never put into production, but he admitted you are also worth the price of a plane ticket! Of course, I pooh poohed (I'm a pooh pooher, it's true) and figured he meant some gaylordish budget stand-by ticket with six stopovers... but when he let slip that you are worth 700 pounds (which my handy desktop currency converter calculates at a staggering $1,373 Canadian), pooh poohing changed to brick-shitting in a heartbeat. There is only one of you in the world, you are all mine, and even Angelina Jolie can't have you - and we all know there are not many things in a woman's life she can say THAT about with confidence.
I don't know if I'll sleep tonight, but I want to be up early to shower and put on makeup so I can look nice for you when you arrive! I just know we're going to be best friends!
I promise not to store my weed in you,