Dear Life:

Here is what I want out of you RIGHT THIS MINUTE:

1. Someone to bone on a regular basis. This person must require ZERO effort or requirement from me. As in, "Hey come over, let's do it, and then you can leave but I will still be cool around you in person and not tell everyone we know that I wheelbarrow the hell outta you on a reg basis."

2. No people to want to date me. That is too much right now. Please ref #1.

3. A new, shiny job. On the Hill. Where I'd thrive and get to talk to people all day and be uber-witty and smart and end up President just in time to let China ascend to THE major world power and therefore have to do nothing but be China's bitch all day.

4. A new liver. (Preferably, non-spotty or -fatty. I already have one of those of my own, thanks.)

5. My BF in Texas to get the hint and stop talking in future terms already.

Super. I'll wait to see what you serve up.

Oh, and maybe throw in some weight loss (or at least no further weight gain, k?),
b