dear ridiculously overactive sex drive,
are you sure you shouldn't be inhabiting someone else's body... say, that of a 20 year-old male college student, or perhaps a rodeo bull? because you are just too much for me, and you need to chill out before you cause me to do something really stupid like run back to Music Major, who keeps calling and has great hair and is pretty much massive in the pants department. i'm usually not like this, i swear, and it's kind of freaking me out.
pleasepleasepleeeeeeease let me get some sleep tonight instead of having horny-inducing dreams (often involving whipped cream and the kitchen counter, yes it is that bad) about older men,