Dear Dogs At The House I'm Staying At Of The Family I Don't Know,

It was wonderful to come home wasted to find you had destroyed my makeshift make-up bag. Did my eyeshadow taste delicious, you little shits? Huh? I also noticed your fucking bitemarks on my newly purchased toothbrush which has been providing me exquisite oral satisfaction for the past 2 weeks. Considering I saw one of you unabashedly eat the other's shit yesterday after your dinner, it looks like I'm going to be chewing lots of gum this weekend instead of letting that putrid object near my oral cavity. I would appreciate if you guys bucked the fuck up and stopped acting like we don't live here or something and you have a vendetta against us. Also, stop licking my bar legs everytime I'm about to go out.

Your Puppydog Eyes Are Killing Me,
A