Dear Pre-Menstrual Bloat,

You tricksy biotch. Thanks for scaring the shit out of me all week as I thought I had gained four pounds despite eating a low-calorie diet, running three miles regularly, and lifting weights. You are a crafty one, hitting me where it hurts. It was even funnier when you didn't let me take a shit all week, either, despite furious dosages of Fibercon. If you pull this stunt again I am going to get myself some Seasonale, so tread lightly.

Happy to have my bangin' bod back,

PS - Thanks for not giving me any zits, though.

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