Dear Sarah Ferguson, known to her fans as "Fergie",
I really despise you. I found you tolerable when you were with the Black Eyed Peas making thoughtless but totally fun dance music. I may have thought you were a little funny looking, with your weirdly haggard face but totally hot body, but I never really gave you much thought.
Then came My Humps. Possibly the worst song I have ever heard played on mainstream radio. Not only is your voice atrocious, but the lyrics to this "song" are without a doubt the stupidest thing I've ever heard. "My lovely lady lumps?" really? You make breasts sound like some kind of tumor. It's gross. You make all female kind look bad.
For some unfathomable reason, people seem to like you. Maybe they are masochists, maybe they are even more tone deaf then myself, maybe they are just stupid, I don't know what it is, but for the past year I have been constantly assaulted with singles from your solo album. They are obnoxious, grating gibberish. I feel stupider every time I hear them. Yet they are on ALL THE TIME. And they worm into my brain, so that I find myself humming "g-l-a-m-o-r-o-u-s" under my breath at work and am filled with horrible self-loathing.
Fergie, I am begging you, for the sake of all mankind, please cease and desist making music immediately. Your voice is painful to hear and your crimes against the English language are absolutely unforgivable. Honestly, with your horsey face and your strained voice, I'm unsure why you are on my radio at all. Your only redeeming quality is that you were once torn apart by flesh eating zombies in the movie Grindhouse.
That was awesome.
Thanks so much!