Dear Hollywood's "It Girls",

Who am I supposed to idolize when all of your lives are violently spiraling out of control?! GAH, LOHAN! You JUST got out of rehab the other day and already you've been arrested for another DUI charge and cocaine possession. I blame my recent arrest on the confused message you send to young women like myself. BRITNEY, crikey, your erratic behavior is scaring everyone. Not to mention, it should be illegal for you to wear anything that shows your bare ass until you lose some of that lingering baby weight. Cellulite is not for pop princesses. PARIS, duh. There is nothing to say about you. NICOLE, you're knocked up. And probably going to jail. That orange jumpsuit is gonna look fierce on the baby bump of your illegitimate child. You bitches need to sack up. Your disappointing behavior is ruining my life.

God Heal Them,
A

P.S. If you all end up in the slammer and leave me with only paparazzi shots of Dakota Fanning and other lame-oid D-listers I'm moving to the Himalayas to do some serious soul searching.