Dear X's Personal Assistant of Indeterminate Sexual Orientation,

When I first met you, I thought you were a homosexual, and I was overjoyed. What girl wouldn't want a new gay best friend soon to be her coworker? Your hair is very pretty. Today, though, when I stopped in to deliver X's mail, you stared me down for what was most certainly an inappropriate amount of time. Just so you know, it is perceived as odd when you don't look at the file I am placing in your hand and instead choose to stare directly and unblinkingly into my eyes. Plus, your slight wonkeye makes it all the more sketch. Please decide if you like the manmeat -- and I hope you decide you do -- so I can then make an appropriate judgment as to whether I will associate with you or awkwardly avoid your advances for the rest of my days.

Thanks So Much,

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