Dear Guys In Metal Bands On Headbangers' Ball,

I find you strangely hot, even though you must be quite unpleasant in person. I am also quite terrified of you. Why so angry and morbid? Why don't you come over to my place for a nice cup of tea. I will give you a nice backrub, we can smoke a joint and then maybe you won't make videos that terrify me and make me scared to fall asleep tonight. Still, you are so cute with your long hair, thrashing about so passionately.

I'll be seeing you in my dreams,
J