Dear Selfish Immature Asshole,

You have freakishly long nipples, you are NOT a very good kisser, you black out and sleep with people that are not me, and your eyebrows are kind of weird. Why would I ever go behind my best friend's back to hook up with you? Please stop texting me frowny faces/drunk dialing me every weekend. If you are going to choose to go back to her then leave me out of it.

Thx,
Me

P.S. You are kind of an idiot.