Dear Boston Red Sox,

I get it. You're tired. But this is not fun anymore! You're making me miss my valium and my vodka and I've been doing so well so all I ask is that you win tonight. Is that so much? Or can you please not let it be an all-out bloodbath? I realize that you came back and won four in a row in the 2004 ALCS, but I nearly had a heart attack each and every minute and my poor liver just can't go through that anymore. So please, just win 3 more games, ok? Is that so much to fucking ask? Just.....strike 'em out, send 'em home, and call it a day. I said, "please!"! I need to get a manicure next week and no vietnamese nail-lady is about to touch the stubs on the ends of my fingers. I'm tired! My life sucks! Please make it worth living!

Do it all for me,
AB