Dear Mid Western Boy on Vacation Who I Thought was Gay,

I am sorry that I misread you attempts to make me your girlfriend after only 4 hours. Honestly, I thought you were not interested in the vag. So you can imagine my shock when you offer to fly back down to visit me in 30 days to take me out to dinner. You do realize that I live 15 states away? Why 30 days?

I know that I am a catch, but come on. Where could this possibly go? Do you think I would marry you in another 30 days and make Midwestern babies with you?

Finally, I was not impressed by the fact that you inherited a "shit ton" of money. Newsflash: I have my own money. It may not be a shit ton, but it is mine. Read: I don't need your money.

Plane ticket: $350. Dinner with a stranger: $150. Never seeing you again: priceless.

Fearful for my uterus,
J