Dear Designer handbag,
Well, aren't you just the cutest thing? Chic, elegant, understated and sooooo practical. You will go with everything from jeans to my tweed suit (which I now must get off my ass and get tailored - look what you've done to me and my closet!) and you smell like adventure. I know it was probably weird when my boob touched you during that shithot photo shoot I did to thank Likely Future Husband Whom I Knew In High School (Yay, Facebook!) for sending you to me, but the pics were bangin and LFHWIKIHS (YFB!) - possibly one of the most eligible bachelors in London (sorry, Shameless) - is officially on record as being hooked. From thousands of miles away and after a twenty year absence... heh, I still got it.
Did you like sleeping at the foot of the bed with me last night? I was worried you might be nervous in your new home. You're like a golden retriever I can put stuff in! And by the way, the flannel bag you came in made the best pillowcase evs.
And as if you needed to get any better, my fucking LAPTOP fits inside you...
I am so totally your bitch now (and his),