Dear Friends Who Are Getting Engaged and Dropping Like Flies Left and Right:

WHY GOD WHY?!?!? What is WRONG with you people?!?!? Why is it that none of you realize that the rock on your finger is really nothing more than a stone around your neck that will invariably pull you to the bottom of the ocean and drown your ability to have fun/be cool/talk about something other than china patterns?!?! I mean, okay, so maybe I have my own problems, which is why I've given up men, sugar, caffeine, and alcohol for the month of November (oh, 'cept for this weekend and Turkey Day). See what I've done there?!?! Gone straight to the source to figure out my psychoses. Way to go on skipping that step and thinking that marriage will solve all of your problems. When that doesn't work, just go ahead and have a baby, b/c that will FOR SURE help.

I'm so not buying any of you punks wedding/shower/pretend happiness gifts,
b

PS No, I WON'T be in your wedding party, so suck it.