Dearest and Most Precious and Favorite Baby (Whole) Brother:

Thanks to you, I was brave enough to break out the counter-offer and ask for numerous perks and dollars and THEY ARE ACTUALLY CONSIDERING IT!!! I know I have the law degree and all, but let's face it--I'm kinda retarded and you are all jinx-i-fied and super cool (no, I don't know what jinx-i-fied means, either, but let's say it means "freakin rad" and/or "way kick ass" from here on out) and you totally have your shit together while I flit about DC like some oversized toddler w/ a massive credit limit. (Also, let's be real, you are my favorite brother, half OR whole. Anyone who grew up w/ Don + Sandy and came out alive is tops in my book.)

I am so glad we are related, but I'd like you even if we weren't,
your big sis