Dear Drunken Balwin-esque Type,

I believe you are the most forward person that I have ever met. Within the first few sentences of our conversation you said to me (with a complete straight face), "I'm an attorney. I have tons of money. I own a house down the block and I think you and I could have amazing sex". I politely declined. Who says that shit? And worse, who says it with unabashed confidence? I didn't know whether to have some sort of admiration for your candor or be disgusted.

Thanks For The Drink,
A

P.S. You are middle-aged, which to some is appealing because it suggests that you are financially secure with some supplemental wealth to go around. To me, it just means you have a wrinkly dong.