Dear Guy Who Doesn't Drink Anymore,

The fact that you felt there was a "connection" between us is especially ironic since I was the drunkest person at the party. And I don't know where you got the idea that I'm "spiritual." I guess I'm a pretty smooth drunk-talker!

Anyway, you're hot but I'm already banging your friend so I don't think we can date. And you don't drink, so I don't think we can even be friends. Everyone knows that people who don't drink at all are way more fucked up than people who drink too much!

Get Real,
Jessica