Dear John The Military Man,

Sometimes I feel as though a.) I'm always in/causing trouble and b.) it's worth it because life just keeps getting more amusing. Case and point, last weekend my friends were handing me their phones encouraging me to place "crank calls". Your number was one of them. My call came from a restricted number and I engaged in lots of heavy breathing and moaning which came to a zenith a few minutes in. You made an unfortunate assumption about the caller. You mistook me for your ex-girlfriend assuming that this was part of an elaborate vendetta. From what I hear, you guys had an extremely tumultuous relationship. Apparently,you both have restraining orders against one another. That's intense and I was not aware of any of this at the time. Your phone call was completely generic. I did the same thing to about 12 other people. Consequently, upon receiving my voicemail you were sent into a raging frenzy because you assumed the x-factor was broadcasting that she was fucking another guy. In the future, I would suggest you not jump to such strong conclusions before punching a wall and fracturing your hand in two places. You may benefit from a more healthy form of catharis such as: punching a pillow, running down the block, using a nerf bat, or taking deep breaths.

Sorry My O Resulted In Your Fine Motor Injury,
A