Dear Law Enforcement Officer,

Thanks for pulling me over for *allegedly* speeding at 3a.m.. It was a fun experience taking the field sobriety test FIVE times and then failing. It was WAY MORE fun when you put handcuffs on me and made me sit in the back of a squad car for 30 minutes as I tried not to cry. You, sir, were rather attractive and I enjoyed talking to you minus the fact that my life was flashing before my eyes. All I could think about was how much my parents would most likely cut my feet, hands, and ears off and throw them at me for this offense and how I would never be able to work in a profession with children ever again. Under other circumstances I probably would have liked you telling me to spread my legs while you cuffed me, however, this was not enjoyable. So what that I can't follow your fucking pen with my eyes?! I have a bad attention span. It's also really hard to walk a straight line in bangin stilettos. I showed you who was boss when I blew into your effing breathalizer. I had to hold myself back from doing a victory lap when I schooled your ass.

Don't Ever Scare The Shit Out Of Me Like That Again,

P.S. Thank God for my empty bank account which prohibited me from buying more beverages this evening.

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