Dear My Boyfriend's New Dog,

You are so precious and I want to squeeze you all the time. For a second he was going to be a heartless bastard and leave you for dead on the streets. I knew he would eventually cave. Now he is in love with you and I grit my teeth in excitement everytime you wag your cute fucking tail. You are so adorable when you put your little puppy paws on his knee and do everything possible to get your tiny body touching as much of him as you can. It's cute as shit. If he were a straight man, I would do the same thing. Don't ever grow up because I like the puppy twinkle in your eyes. Also, I can't afford a dog of my own and visiting you fulfills a maternal need for me without ever having to clean up your shit.

Squeezing Your Puppy Teets,
A