(this came from an e-mail, but I thought it was very 'Dear Life' appropriate)

To Whomever It May Concern:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

V. Gina

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr. P. Niss,

We have further reviewed our response with counsel and human resources, and we have determined there are additional outstanding issues.

Apparently your loyalties are questionable.

It has come to light you are moonlighting with Mr. Palmer on a regular basis.

Lastly your replacement, Mr. Dill Doe, while a bit less enthusiastic, is still adequately filling your job.

With all this in mind, perhaps if you can commit to this workplace we would entertain a full-time relationship.

Please advise us of your interest in this.

V. Gina