Dear Preggers,

So you accidentally got knocked up by your (closeted) husband. Maybe if you had been on birth control this whole turn of events wouldn't have been so shocking. C'mon. If someone steps in a puddle of shit without shoes on, they shouldn't be too shocked to find poo in their pedicure. Besides, you said you wanted a baby by the time you were 30. Careful what you wish for, eh?

1. Babies are expensive. Don't buy the new iPhone on the day they arrive in stores then hyperventilate to anyone who will listen about how you can't afford this baby. Grow the fuck up and start acting like a parent with priorities. Toys are now for the tot, not your husband.

2. If someone throws you a shower, they are doing something very nice for you. Don't you DARE call them and tell them how much they should be spending on the shower, nor should you ever have the AUDACITY to tell your closest friends that you expect them to spend over $150 on their gift to you - when you know full well, we always spend $100 on the baby gifts.

$100 is a nice gift. If you think it isn't, then let's tally up all the shitty ass gifts you've bought me in our lifetime. I think an IOU is in order.

3. Manners 101: someone gives you a gift? You smile and say thank you. Period.
No. PERIOD. nothing else. Shut up. Don't you dare criticize the hand that feeds you. Shut the Fuck Up.

3. Get some class. Where in the hell did you get these manners? Chalk it up to hormones? I don't think so. Your sense of entitlement is insane. It's not my fault your pregnant and you and your husband don't make enough money to live within your means. So, just because we are friend doesn't mean I become the fucking surrogate to your kid. I am not supporting this child for you. Have I ever asked you to pay my rent? Maybe it's going on my Christmas list to you.

4. Paying your sister-in-law only $100 a week for childcare is criminal. You're a teacher, so let's do some math. 100/5 = $20 a day. / 8 hours = $2.50 an hour. Here's a tip. Don't SKIMP on childcare. Again, priorities. You don't need 7 plasmas in your house - you need a fucking babysitter. How dare you take advantage of a kind soul.

Incidentally, you used to be like your sister-in-law, a kind soul, willing to do anything for friends and family or even strangers. Now, you've turned in to the person that would kick someone in the shins as they handed you a present. What the hell happened to you?

5. Get happy about this baby. Snap out of it. Years from now, she'll know how unplanned and what a nightmare it was for you to not be "financially" ready. If you don't rid yourself of this horrible mindset, it will reflect on an innocent child. You may not deserve all that you think you're entitled to, but this baby does. Start putting her first, not your damn materialistic issues.

The simple fact is this: it's not the finances that aren't prepared - it's your maturity and selfishness. You are living way above your means and only thinking of yourself. Get on craigslist, sell some shit and shut the fuck up....except for saying Thank You.

At this point I kind of hope your kid is not popular,

Blondie