Dear Women Who Wear The Bath & Body Scent "Sweetpea",

I can smell you out anywhere. Why do you think that smells good?! It smells SICK. I think I could throw up harder opening a bottle of your par-foom (wait, no, BODY MIST) than by shotgunning a fifth of $8 aristocrat vodka. Seriously, everytime I have to take a whiff of one of you dense women I'm going to girl-under-the-blanket-fort-in-the-feature-film-the-sixth-sense you (aka ooze oatmealish chunks). When your body comes near my well-scented epidermis , I am reminded of a.) a YMCA locker room, b.)the flavored flouride they make you gargle as a kid at the dentist, c.) a room full of grandmas, and d.)a taxicab with 10 cardboard trees hanging from it's rearview mirror.

Stop wearing that. Try jogging 10 miles, or rolling around in a dumpster, or smearing dogshit all over your arms and legs. ANYTHING would be more appealing to my olfactory system.

I'm sorry. God, I'm so mean. I may be overreacting here. Please excuse me, but your scent of choice has bothered me since like 1998.

Waiting For It's Discontinuance,
A