Dear Condescending Arrogant Co-Worker's Girlfriend,

I am sorry that I referred to you as 'Dingbat'. It wasn't nice of me to do such a thing. But, in all fairness, first impressions really matter to me, and on Halloween you didn't leave me with a good one. However, I realize now, that you aren't so bad. It's not your fault that Condescending Arrogant Co-Worker is a prick and it isn't your fault that he is dating you and not me. Initially, I considered befriending you because it would be an excellent way to undermine your relationship with CACW. I am the competition, but you don't know that and I would have a leg up. Since I have met you my lust for CACW has turned into undeniable hatred, so I think you and I should be friends just to make him nervous and irritate him - seeing as how I haven't said so much as five words to him in the last two months and it would only be a matter of time before I got drunk and told you that he used to put his penis inside me. It's not you I want to hurt, it's him.

And wouldn't it just be a kick in the teeth if you dumped him and we became good friends?!

Extending my hand in friendship,
Lx.