Dear Ex-Roommate/Ex-Friend,

So… what the hell?? You call me for the first time in like six months to talk about how great your sketchy-ass life is, that you’re trying for a baby soon, are breeding dogs for a living and how you wanted to make sure I had your new address because your 1st wedding anniversary is coming up… SERIOUSLY?? Are you for real? Let’s review.

1) You’re younger than me.
2) Not even 21 yet.
3) Married a guy you knew about 3 months (ONLINE)
4) In the courthouse.
5) In Wal-Mart jeans
6) And a T-shirt.
7) And you’ve dropped out of college.

Do you seriously think I’m going to send you an anniversary present? Doesn’t the fact that we weren’t even on speaking terms when the wedding occurred count for anything in that I clearly am not in support of the union?

So glad I have classier friends now,
K