Dear Fat Kid Who Isn't Talking to Me,

Yes, it's true that I got wasted and had sex with you. Bad life decision. But your thinking that my wanting to maintain our friendship afterwards translates into being in love with you? You could not be more wrong. In fact, you were the last dude I fucked before I decided that maybe I liked chicks. What does that say about you?

Good luck trying to get poon as hot as me,
Bon