Dear new gynecologist,

While I appreciate your openness with me as a brand new client, I do not need you to describe in gory detail why anal sex is a great form of birth control. Yes, I realize you are mad at me for having unprotected sex with my monogamous partner and thus refuse to give me the handy new Depo-Provera shot until I know I’m not pregnant. But, I do not think that gives you permission to give me oral sex 101 and ask if my boyfriend might be willing to trade that out for regular sex for the next few weeks.
Additionally, I think its great that you told me anal sex and blow jobs are no stranger to you and your husband, but I don’t need you to invite me and my boyfriend to join the two of you for a company event at our mutual employer at the exact moment you’re inserting your cold speculum in my vag.

And no, I don’t agree with you that it’s better not to know if I have herpes or not because “ignorance is bliss.”

On second thought, I loved your gentle touch. See you next year!

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