Dear Bouncer,

I appreciate you "doing me a favor" by allowing me entrance into your club last night. How kind and generous of you to let me proceed with my "too short of shorts" but "just this once" and make sure I "don't come back in those". Call me an ingrate, but how am I supposed to be appreciative of you're generosity when I'm still paying $10 (RIDICULOUS) entry fee anyway?!?! I'm a WOMAN. This is NASHVILLE, not NYC. We don't pay covers here. Especially if we have tits. Which brings me to my next point....

Since when do GAY CLUBS have DRESS CODES?! Last time I fuckin checked you've got employees walking around in there with their dongs tucked between their legs and pasties covering their prosthetic breasts. How am I being offensive to anyone? NO ONE IS EVEN LOOKING AT ME! They're too concentrated on the sausage fest around us to be thinking about that they might catch a glimpse of the junk in my trunk peeking out of my hotpants.

Anyway, my outfit was clearly not an issue, so don't start shhh with me just because you're jealous that I have a functional hole for a penis to penetrate below my waist and you don't.
A