Dear Fiancé of my ex-boyfriend,

So I hear you guys are living engaged and living together now. Congrats! I couldn’t be happier for the both of you. I also hear from my friends who have met you, that you are the definition of elegance with your classy “Pam Anderson-esque” barbed wire tattoo that wraps around your arm. Nice. Did I tell you that the moment that you left for the weekend, he called me? We went out for drinks and spent the whole evening together in which I denied him sex (no way I’m going there after your skanky ass was there) despite his multiple requests. We did however make out in my car like teenagers and it was pretty awesome.

You have a successful job, a mediocre rock on your finger, and are living/engaged to my ex-boyfriend who cheats on you. I live with my parents, am mildly successful (but then again your 28 (read: old) and I’m 23 (read: young & hot)) and have weekends were I make many questionable alcohol-fueled decisions, make-out with randos and have fun with my friends. I wouldn’t trade my life for yours for all the money in the world.

Good luck getting married to that cheating asshole.

We have a betting pool for when you file for divorce,
JLM

P.S – He told me he hates your ugly dog and that he kicks it when you’re not around (just kidding, but he did say it was ugly).

P.S. – As much as I have no feelings for my ex-bf (trust me, you can have that scumbag), I’m simply returning the favor for when you hooked up with him when you knew he had a girlfriend.