Dear family,

As always, you make me appreciate my life more and more with every family event. I am glad that I was able to spend some time with you all yesterday at the SB party at BB Kings. It was cousin Y's HUGE event, and I'm glad you guys all played your roles.

Best "crazy cousin" award goes to...

As always, Cousin D, for punching his girl in the mouth because she was "talking" to the male waiter

Best lap dance goes to...

My 63-year-old Aunt M (still trying to figure out how she does those splits...)

Best family entertainer goes to...

Big R for his 20-minute piece on giving head to a crowd filled with all ages, including (2) babies, (5) 10-12-year-olds, and (1) 90-year-old woman in the front row (who somehow didn't look at all surprised or bothered by what he was saying)

Best rally speech for Obama goes to...

Cousin Y, who went on a drunken endorsement campaign for 30-minutes, until her father came on-stage and apologized for her, but still contended that Obama was the best choice for us "(insert slang word for black people here)". All bad.

Best parent award goes to...

Uncle F for bring his 10-month-old son to a bar, filled with our drunk family members, who, I might add, smoked weed for the entire second half of the football game. I'm sure the child ended up with some form of contact high. Good times...

Best peach cobbler recipe goes to...

Cousin K, who wins by a landslide because she uses a secret ingredient that her doctor prescribes to her for muscle pains. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I've heard her claim that "God put this on tha earth for us to use" and that "it's all natural" and "should be legalized ASAP". Hmm...wonder what it could be...

Best incest award goes to...

Cousin A, who led me in a discussion about how we were not REALLY related because he was on my "aunt's side" and that, since he lived in Texas now, we weren't even really close cousins, so anything we did would be ok...(I avoided him for the rest of the evening.)

And finally, the award you all have been waiting for...

Best dressed female

(drumroll please...)

UNCLE T, who wore purple leather "skinny" pants, a thick rhinestone belt, a see-through v-neck sweater with a tan suede vest, Chanel scarf, 3 studded rings, 58 silver bangles, a long rhinestone chain with a "T" at the end, and shiny red plastic heels. But lest we not forget, the 2-feet of indian weave that he paid $180 for, which, I might add, was soooo straight and shiny, that for a second I thought he was a very tan asian woman. (and there I stood, amazed and slightly envious)

Thank you family...for always staying true to yourselves, your alcohol, your kids, your weed, and your weave. I will always love you because I have no choice, and because the county said I'm too old to put myself up for adoption.

See you all this summer for Gran Gran's great great great grandchildren's party!

I can't make this stuff up,
TR

1 comment:

cj said...

i love your family.