Dear Mom,

1994 called, it wants you to take AOL off the family computer because it's making everything else slower than a three-legged tortoise. Also, it makes it sound like your hardrive is preparing for landing everytime I click the mouse.

Despite what you may have last heard, you can make the Internet work without an obsolete program that went out when Friends stopped airing.

Welcoming You Into The 21st Century,
A

P.S. Also, there is this new thing called text messaging. It helps people convey thoughts to eachother without having to leave infinitely long voicemails cluttered with formalities. It's awesome. Give it a whirl. You'll never look back.